Taxicab Tales – It Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time

In the past, I have shared a series of stories from my days publishing small town newspapers, from a job I had selling cars, about my time in the Army, and some tales of the offbeat adventures and misadventures I’ve gotten into in a series called Nick Happens. Now, I thought I would share some stories about a period in my life many years ago when I drove a taxicab in Tucson, Arizona. Oh, some of the things I witnessed back then! I’ve told more than one prospective author that if they really want to learn about human nature, they need to become a cop, a nurse, or a cab driver. You will see the best and worst of people in any of those jobs.

Pat was one of my favorite dispatchers at the cab company. He had a great sense of humor, treated everybody fairly, and always had a joke to tell. This was the days before GPS units, and we had to rely on maps to find our way around town. Pat seemed to know every out-of-the-way street, alley, and cul-de-sac in Tucson, and made life a lot easier for a driver trying to find an unfamiliar address.

Because we drove Yellow cabs, he would always call them ducks, saying, “I need a duck around Tucson Mall” or “Any ducks near the airport?” He could also do a pretty good imitation of Donald Duck. If it was a slow weeknight and you were having trouble keeping your eyes open, all it took was Donald getting on the radio talking to you, and you woke up fast. He also used that voice when drunks called in wanting a cab. It’s always fun to confuse a drunk, isn’t it?

As with many silly things, the whole duck issue became a part of our lives for a while. Pat would say something silly over the air, and a cab driver would reply, “You quack me up.” Someone gave Pat a T-shirt that said, “World’s greatest duck.” Not to be outdone, someone else bought him a baseball cap with a large orange duck’s bill, and he proudly wore both all the time. Before long, he had a collection of little rubber and ceramic ducks lined up on the dispatch desk.

Pat drove an old conversion van like those that were popular in the 70s, with a faded mural of some kind on both sides, an amazing sound system, and deep shag carpeting. I had a license plate made up that said “Duckmobile,” and we hung it on the front bumper. With that great sound system, it only stood to reason that when one of the drivers came across an old copy of a cassette tape of Disney’s Goin’ Quackers! with sing-along songs featuring Donald Duck, he had to give it to Pat. My buddy loved blasting it out of the van’s speakers when he would pull up to people at a traffic light. He definitely got some strange looks when he was playing his music and wearing his Donald Duck cap.

Pat’s birthday was about to roll around, and myself and Manny decided that the perfect gift for our quacked-up friend would be some quackers. We hit the local feed store and bought two dozen baby ducks. Now what to do with them? We decided we would put them in Pat’s van to surprise him when he got off work. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

Do you have any idea how much poop 24 baby ducks can put out in just a few hours? Trust me, it’s a lot. And do you have any idea how hard it is to get that much duck poop out of deep shag carpeting? It’s definitely a challenge.

Pat was still trying to get it cleaned out months later when summer rolled around. If you’ve never experienced a Tucson summer, it’s kind of like living two steps below hell without air conditioning. It can be brutal. And it’s even worse when you have duck poop cooking in your carpeting. As Pat described it, every ride to work was an aromatic adventure.

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And finally, here’s a chuckle to start your day from the collection of funny signs we see in our travels and that our readers share with us. I do like my soseges and backen.

Thought For The Day – You have so many talents that nobody would ever think of wanting.