Nick And The Monkey

Here’s another tale from the Nick Happens file.

I have always thought of myself as a man of the world. As a kid we moved around a lot and I was exposed to all kinds of people and their peculiarities. A few weeks after I graduated from high school, I was wearing a green uniform and on an airplane headed to the other side of the world to do things most folks never have to experience. I spent most of my working career publishing small town newspapers, and if someone ever tells you that small communities don’t have their share of scandal, they’re lying to you. I’ve also owned retail businesses, played cop for a while, and even drove a taxicab. That will expose you to the seamy side of life real quick!

So my life has not exactly been sheltered. As my pal Greg White sometimes says, “This ain’t my first trip to town!”

But one time in Indiana I had an experience that was a definite first. I was French kissed by a monkey! After an Escapees RV Club Escapade in Goshen, Indiana ended a few years ago, we were at one of the RV surplus stores in nearby Elkhart. That is the RV Capital of the World and there was a time you could completely build an RV with parts from the various surplus stores. I know, because that’s how we built our MCI bus conversion. Unfortunately, most of those stores have closed their doors since then.

We were wandering around the massive warehouse filled with everything from RV furniture and appliances to tires and 12-volt lights when we ran into a couple with a pet monkey on a leash. How cool is that? Being one who can’t pass up a cute critter (some of you may remember one or more of my ex-wives), I had to check out the monkey.

He was a friendly fellow, who quickly began playing with the Velcro straps on my shoes. (Maybe this is the monkey equivalent of getting to first base?) Then he crawled up my leg and hugged me, then scampered up onto my shoulder, where he proceeded to knock off my hat and play with what little hair I have left. His next stop was to explore my face. He seemed fascinated with my beard and kept touching it with his little monkey fingers. I wore glasses back then and he kept trying to grab them, like a baby will, but he wasn’t as strong.

Then he began touching my lips, and pulled my bottom lip down, and before I knew it, he planted a wet monkey kiss right on me and stuck his tongue into my mouth!

French kissing a monkey is a bit different than French kissing a woman. For one thing, they are more hairy than the women I have kissed (except for a fat girl named Hazel I met in a bar in New Jersey one time, but that’s another story), and they have this weird banana breath!

Everyone standing around got a good laugh out of it, and the monkey seemed to have had a good time. The last I saw of him he was kicking back on a couch in the furniture display room, smoking a cigarette. Me, I felt sort of cheap and used… and that feeling was only made worse when he never called afterward.

Today is your last chance to enter our latest Free Drawing. This week’s prize is an audiobook of Big Lake Honeymoon, the seventh book in my Big Lake mystery series. To enter, all you have to do is click on this Free Drawing link or the tab at the top of this page and enter your name (first and last) in the comments section at the bottom of that page (not this one). Only one entry per person per drawing please, and you must enter with your real name. To prevent spam or multiple entries, the names of cartoon or movie characters are not allowed. The winner will be drawn this evening.

Thought For The Day – Been there done that. Actually, been there several times, because apparently, I never learn.