I’m a nice guy. Really, I am. If you don’t believe me, ask any of my ex-wives. No, wait a minute, on second thought, don’t ask them. Ask their mothers. No, that might not work out either. Ask Miss Terry’s mother. She’ll tell you what a nice guy I am. Maybe. Unless she’s still mad at me. She’s mad at me a lot. That old woman can really carry a grudge. Okay, don’t ask her. Just take my word for it, I’m a nice guy.
Sure, sometimes I get a little grumpy when I’m behind the wheel, but only because that slow-moving driver in front of me who won’t get over is an idiot, and that one tailgating me is a maniac. But that’s not their fault! And yeah, I carry a gun, but that’s only because there are a lot of people out there who aren’t as nice as I am. And I hardly ever shoot anybody.
However, with all that being said, I have declared war. Not on some other country, or even on Chris, the guy who lives across the street. Mostly because he’s a nice fellow, and a retired Marine. I don’t think I want to mess with him. It’s those quiet ones you’ve got to watch out for, right?
But I have declared war on mosquitoes. Those little airborne vampires do their best to eat me alive every time I step outside. And their buddies the no see ums are even worse. At least you can smack a mosquito and make it die. You can’t even see those darn no see ums, which is how they got the name. But you sure do feel it when they bite you! And then it burns and itches forever.
I have tried every kind of mosquito repellent there is. None of it works, but some of it really stings when you spray it on those no see um bites. Somebody said to use Avon Skin So Soft. I did, and now I have really nice, soft skin. But you can’t tell it because it’s covered with welts from mosquito bites! And I guess it makes me smell nice, because the other day some guy pinched me on the butt in the produce section of the grocery store. No, I don’t want to talk about it.
The county has come by and sprayed a couple of times, but that hasn’t seemed to have much impact. So I took matters into my own hands. So far, the results have been mixed. We bought a bug zapper to hang out near the garage, and it works good for all kinds of moths, but apparently not mosquitoes. If anything, I think when they get zapped there is some kind of a radioactive reaction and they become like the mosquito versions of the Incredible Hulk. I’m not saying they have superpowers, but I swear a couple of them picked up my Ford Explorer and turned it sideways in the driveway, just to mess with me. I bought another zapper with an LED light bulb that screws into the porch light fixture, hoping that would help. No, it just helps them see better so they can attack at night, too. I tried some kind of mosquito killer wafers that I dropped into the water of the drainage ditch next to our house. I think I saw a bunch of mosquitoes using them for rafts while they were getting suntans.
Operating under the theory that you don’t take a BB gun when you go elephant hunting, yesterday I bought myself a propane powered fogger, four bottles of insecticide to go in it, and four propane cylinders. I plan to fog those little flying a SOBs off the face of the earth, even if I blind myself and poison my lungs in the process. It’s called collateral damage. And if the insecticide doesn’t work, I’ll just go with straight propane. I still know how to call in a napalm strike!
But just in case none of this works, this may be the last you ever see of me. Does anybody have a white flag I can borrow?
Today is your last chance to enter our latest Free Drawing. This week’s prize is an audiobook of Big Lake Burning, the sixth book in my Big Lake mystery series. To enter, all you have to do is click on this Free Drawing link or the tab at the top of this page and enter your name (first and last) in the comments section at the bottom of that page (not this one). Only one entry per person per drawing please, and you must enter with your real name. To prevent spam or multiple entries, the names of cartoon or movie characters are not allowed. The winner will be drawn this evening.
Thought For The Day – I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot, sleep a while, and wake up beautiful.
Nick Russell
World-Famous, New York Times Best Selling Author, and All-Around Nice Guy!
I just read that if you dry used coffee grounds then burn them it will keep mosquitoes away. Apparently the coffee grounds smell so strongly the bugs can’t smell you to know where to attack. It takes some trial and error to learn how much to place where, though.
We spent a summer in Olympic National Park, and in that wet environment I was concerned. Then I tried taking Vitamin B-1 daily and I must not of smelled good to them. They left me alone all summer and into the fall. Cheap to try it out, about $10 a bottle, or you can order it on Amazon.
Welcome to Florida, Nick! BTW, my son-in-law in Oviedo swears by the propane zapper. Of course, Florida doesn’t have the only hungry mosquitos in the US… I have been eaten alive in the Tetons and northern Minnesota too. There were black clouds of them there. Oh, and try visiting the Everglades in August for a real treat (for the mosquitos)
I’ll give you a big hint YOU lose
There only 3 places you’re going to fine in Florida that doesn’t have mosquitoes,,
1.is you sitting inside your refrigerator,, just remember keep the door closed,, if the light comes on they’ll get in
2.driving down 95 at 75 miles an hour ( just remember to dodge the love bugs)
3. During a hurricane
However
If you want, I know where you can get a dominatrix full Body leather or latex suit ???
But I’m not sure if they have your size??
Nick I am NOT mad at you stop spreading these fake news
your mother in law!
Brake Fluid sprayed on like OFF Woods works wonders … or so does WD40 when out of Brake Fluid. You can also give your little water ditch a spray or two and that stops those “friends” of yours from stopping by for their main course meal. Good Luck, Arizona might be a better place to live….
I rub scentless fabric softener sheets on my skin and carry them in my pockets to keep the mosquitoes away. The scent of your after shave lotion, shampoo, or other grooming products might also be attracting the little devil’s. The standing water in that drainage ditch next to your property isn’t help either, but you probably already know that.. When we lived in Wisconsin, mosquitoes were referred to as the state bird.
Some advice from some long time Florida residents. Mosquitoes are more active early in the morning and late in the evening. So stay inside at those times. They suck plant juices when the female is not looking for a blood meal so being around lots of vegetation is where they are. Standing water allows the larvae to develop and then they become full fledged mosquitoes. So try to NOT have any standing water on your property. The ditch probably is a breeding ground. And some people just taste good to mosquitoes. That’s you, Nick. Haven’t had much problem with no see ums. They like to be around brackish water and we don’t live near brackish water. Personally no see ums are WORSE than mosquitoes. They are so small they can get throught screens. We have had luck with Deep Woods Off with DEET (spray on clothing) for mosquiotes. But best is to stay inside in the AC and keep writing your books !!!!!!!!!.
I love my Thermacell. Mosquitoes love me too and my Thermacell makes sitting outside in the evening pleasant again. Of course in Florida maybe the skitters will just carry the Thermacell off, but it’s worth a try.
I’m from Iowa and we swear by a product made in Iowa called Bug Soother. It works great and doesn’t smell bad either. Before we started full-timing we bought a gallon.
Nick they are attracted to carbon dioxide when you exhale, so don’t do that.
the no see ums are much worse IMO
Well, if you take B vitamins….and we also take a cheap little garlic pill from Walmart twice a day (it also helps one not fall ill)…it SHOULD help you…we also got a citronella plant and put it right next to the front door…seems not many bugs of any sort like it…we think it smells ok. It worked great last year and is working so far this year. Also, because here in WA the plant dies down in winter, we got another one…so both plants are near the door now, with the new one larger so maybe more effective. Meanwhile, one of the first plants one can buy around here in Spring is geraniums…also said to deter mosquitoes some…and SUPPOSED to not be liked by deer. SO FAR the deer here have left it alone…but I got the same for Daughter 3 miles away…and her blooms were almost all polished off one day… Hubby likes to sit on daughter’s porch and since I moved the geraniums to her back yard for safety from deer, he is being bothered by mosquitoes again there. So I recently got a lemon verbena plant and a lavender plant as those are also supposed to deter mosquitoes and deer avoid them. So we will try them too and see how it goes…but my advice is definitely the citronella plants…and maybe back there a garden place could recommend some others to help keep those nasty critters at bay. I prefer to use natural things is possible…chemicals have so many side effects.