I Need A Kid!

 Posted by at 12:03 am  Nick's Blog
Oct 022016
 

My doctor keeps telling me that I need to get in shape, and I keep telling her that round is a shape. Though in my heart I’m ten feet tall and bulletproof, in reality I have to shop the dwarf portly aisle when I’m looking for new clothes.



And that’s not all bad. Being a bald little fat man has some advantages. With my low center of gravity, I’m not affected very much by high winds. And I can flirt with all the pretty ladies and everybody, including my wife, just laughs it off and says “Oh, that’s just Nick.” If I was some tall good-looking hunk, somebody would have shot me a long time ago. And I’m not even going to get into the benefits of slow dancing with tall women!

But, of course, there are two sides to every coin. It’s not all fun and games. Being my size does present some difficulties. A case in point was yesterday, when we had to go to that most hated of all American institutions, WalMart. I understand that retail stores need to make the most of every inch of space available to them and I’m good with that. But why can’t they anticipate my needs and put the stuff I want on a shelf where I can actually reach them. More than once I have had to call on a tall, or at least normal-sized, man or woman shopping in the same store with me and asked them to hand me something that I can’t reach.



But while we were shopping yesterday I had an epiphany when I saw a young mother pick up her son and hold him up so he could reach something on a shelf that she couldn’t. I don’t need to be taller, I just need a kid!

Now don’t worry, Terry and I don’t plan to start having babies at our age. And though I love my granddaughters, I’m not going to bring one of them with me while we travel. First of all, because they have lives of their own and probably don’t want to hang out with us old farts, and second, because they’re getting too big for me to lift up anyway.

Years ago when I was browsing in a bookstore I noticed that they had cheap off the shelf reading glasses available for sale, or to use while you were in the store. I thought that was a heck of an idea.

So now I’m wondering why stores don’t have loaner kids. Think about it, they get some kids who want to earn money for video games or junk food or whatever it is kids want these days, and they have them in a little corral next to the shopping carts right there when you go in the store. You show your ID so they know you’re not some kind of pervert, you pay a deposit on the kid, and take him or her with you when you go shopping. Need a box of unsweetened cereal? That stuff is always up on a shelf above kid eye-level and out of my reach. So instead of trying to stand on tippy toes and still not being able to get to it, or trying to balance on the edge of a lower shelf and risk falling and bruising my dignity, I just grab my Rent-a-Kid, hoist him up, and let him grab what I need.

It’s a win-win situation. I’m in and out of the store quicker and with less frustration, the merchant makes more money because I actually buy the stuff I now sometimes pass up because it’s out of reach, and the kids make enough on tips to supplement their allowances. Now that’s the kind of idea that will make America great again!

Why hasn’t anybody thought of this before?

Today is your last chance to enter our Free Drawing for an audiobook of Capitol Offense, the second book in my pal George Wier’s Bill Travis mystery series. To enter, all you have to do is click on this Free Drawing link or the tab at the top of this page and enter your name in the comments section at the bottom of that page (not this one). Only one entry per person per drawing please, and you must enter with your real name. To prevent spam or multiple entries, the names of cartoon or movie characters are not allowed. The winner will be drawn this evening.
Capitol Offense cover

Thought For The Day – Difficult doesn’t mean impossible. It simply means that you have to work harder.

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Nick Russell

World-Famous, New York Times Best Selling Author, and All-Around Nice Guy!

  6 Responses to “I Need A Kid!”

  1. While watching some ‘car’ show with my husband they had a story about teens that are available for hire at car dealerships to teach new owners about the vehicle onboard computers. They get paid by the hour to teach!

  2. A stool would be cheaper and probably quieter.

  3. I really enjoyed your blog today.

  4. What Kevin said!! And since I’m a rock climber, I just scale the mountainous shelves, grab what I need and jump back down. You could always carry a cane … those work pretty good too!!

  5. Didn’t you see the sign at the front entrance of Walmart where it said
    you have to be this tall T—————T. in order to shop here

  6. I meet so many people when grocery shopping. Of course, I look like some kind of weirdo as I stare at people deciding if they are tall enough for my purposes. πŸ™‚ I have said for a long time that the stores need either a step stool that slides along like a library stool or a “grabbie” stick for us compact folks.

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